Mike Fagan Mexican Rankings 2017
20- Dave Albert
Albert returns to the trip after a one year hiatus (Joe- that means he didn’t fucking go last year). Rumor has it, he was suspended for one year for inappropriate relations with the staff at the Baymont Inn and Suites. Bad news is that Albert has not golfed since 2015. Good news is that he has always sucked at golf so it doesn’t really matter. However, he has seen Creed three times since 2015 and he hopes to keep his undefeated streak at physical challenges alive this year.
19- Ed (2017 Captain)
Ed has been preparing for the trip since he was named captain. He has “pre-ordered” food multiple times and has gone through many burner phones since last year so he will not need to be on the phone as much as a captain. Is scared to death about the physical challenge (you should be). Has agreed to resuscitate anyone on the trip (even if they are not on his team) except for Joe and Mike Z.
18- Peter Korbar
Lowest ranking since the scouting report began. However, he does not care and is looking forward to getting drunk Wednesday night with JJ and Joe so he can golf like shit the next day (and for the rest of the trip). Rumor has it, he has another ER story he can share with the group this year and he is Pitbull’s stunt double in an upcoming movie about fast cars and fast women.
17- Jason Vitas
Only two time POS award winner and is in the running for a third as he was the last to pay this year. Tried to set up a PayPal and Chase account in my name but failed because he did not look like a fat Mexican. Vitas will be much better this year, because Providence is eliminated early this year (despite winning yet another regional title) so he will have more time to golf and get his game in shape. Only person to win the POS award and win a poker tournament, which is a feat that may never be broken.
16- Joe Tonelli
Luckily, the tribal council voted and decided to let Joe return this year. It was down to Joe and Trendel and Joe won after punching Trendel in the face. By the way, did you ever sit on the bench at a basketball game? Joe is not allowed to speak this year at any restaurant due to his performance last year. Anyone over the age of 65 that lives within 25 miles of the Baymont Inn and Suites will be leaving for the weekend which is similar to what the residents surrounding Chicagoland Speedway do when there is a race in town. Joe is also looking forward to getting twisted with Peter and JJ Wednesday night and going to bed early every night because he can’t cut the mustard like he used to.
15- Mickey Smith
Took second at the angry scramble recently which has his stock on the rise. His favorite color is green, he’s a 3 time chamion in fantasy football, and he likes to talk…a lot. Still hits the ball really far but can’t control it and he still can’t putt. Went back to school to get his Master’s Degree and is writing his thesis as to why he was right in 2015 about that argument he and Ed had about a Euchre game. LET IT GO….LET IT GO!
14- Dave Holmes
Old man of the trip. However, he can hit a golf ball really far, in jeans, and off his back foot. He has renewed his You Tube subscription regarding how to chip around the green and win in Galena. Rumor has it, he will have Dallas Cowboy golf balls this year with a picture of Dak Prescott and Zeke Elliott on them.
13- Mike Z.
Now that we are less than 60 days away from the trip, Mike Z. will not be riding any bicycles due to his injury last year. Are your fingernails still black? That was nasty. Mike will be seeing the Ophthalmologist before the trip this year if he can find his way to one. Hard to drive when you can’t see. The Schofield Kid boasts killing five cowboys, and offers to split the $1,000 reward with Clint Eastwood, a notorious murderer, in return for his help in killing Davey Bunting and Quick Mike. The Schofield Kid initially refuses, but eventually he approaches his neighbor and another retired gunfighter, Morgan Freeman. The two encounter the Schofield Kid again on their journey to Wyoming, when he starts shooting at them, believing them to be rival cowboys. It becomes apparent that the Schofield Kid is short-sighted, when Logan asks him to shoot a bird in the sky which isn't there, and he pretends he can see it, just like he pretended to see the line on the green when he and Smitty were partners at Silver Ridge in 2015.
12- Jim Fagan
The winner of the 2017 angry scramble. Can hit a 3-wood from anywhere on the course. Now has a driver which he hits 5 yards less than his 3-wood. Is an underrated chipper and putter. Forced Kevin Modz. to “get twisted” at Prairie View last year after 9 holes when their match was all square. It worked as Kevin Modz. shot 34 on the back nine. Will have close to 45 rounds in (I knew I should have been an underwriter) before the trip. Thinks he can beat me straight up (he might be right). GOLF…GOLF…GOLF…
11- Paul Branshaw (Captain)
Actually, Paul has agreed to be captain if and only if anything he buys for his team is tax deductible. If it is not, he’s out and Trendel is back in. Now that tax season is over, he has time to practice golf, but this special prosecutor hired to investigate President Trump’s ties to Russia has Paul up at night. His favorite TV show is Fox News. Unlike Ed, he is not afraid of the physical challenge. What he is afraid of is Obamacare not being overturned by the Senate and the possible impeachment proceedings of our President. An underrated golfer, but if you steal his sun block, there’s a good chance he will burn to a crisp and won’t be at his best on the course. Has been in negotiations with Ed to trade up at all costs so he can have Smitty on his team.
10- Mike Fagan
Has not moved up or down since last year and was chosen last in the serpentine (Google it Joe) draft. Finished 4th in the angry scramble. A good argument can be made for him to be ranked lower for a variety of reasons some of which are…he is fatter than last year (hard to believe this is possible), he bought a new driver that he can’t hit, and he can’t putt anymore. No truth to the rumor that he is on the trip because we needed a minority. Had Callans beaten last year straight up but shit the bed on the 18th green. Would like to challenge Callans again this year, but the only way he can win is if Callans goes totally blind before the trip and even then the Vegas odds would have this match as a “pick’em”.
9- Jamie Bebar
What’s up Beebs?
8- Mark Smith
Lowest ranking ever due to the shanks he had last year. However, he (like Vitas) will have plenty of time to practice now that the baseball season is over. Rumor has it, he shot a 82 at Sanctuary but once he plays Cinder Ridge this year and gets a 16 on hole 17, all will be good with the world. Rumor also has it that Trendel keeps asking when his $100 deposit is due and Smitty has been working with Providence Catholic High School IT to block his e-mails.
7- Rich Zizek
Dave Albert loves this guy and can’t believe he is not ranked #1. Rich is also looking forward to getting Twisted on Wednesday night. Would like to know what the team colors are going to be this year as he needed to determine which color golf shoes he will be bringing. He only has 14 pairs.
6- Rick Roehr (aka Muzzy)
Since 2016, has had an order of protection out against Joe Tonelli (aka his best buddy and pal) and anyone claiming to be on the tribal council. Doesn’t say much but apparently enjoys the trip because he keeps coming back every year.
5- James Galligan (aka JJ)
Half of you had no idea what JJ’s real name was did you? JJ has been suspended from his job (whatever it is that JJ does) for Googling on a company computer- Kim Kardashian ass pool floatie. Good news is that it was only $99 plus shipping, so JJ ordered three- two for use in the pool and one to give to the MVP this year. Has requested the honeymoon suite for he and Vitas can snuggle.
4- Kevin Modzelewski
Two years ago, Kevin was ranked below me and became enraged. Are you happy now? Physical challenge this year- present a current events topic to Kevin, Mickey, and Albert and see who can talk the longest about it. My money is on Kevin. Good golfer and is now a borderline veteran. Could be in the running for the MVP.
3- Jim Arnold
Arnold has already pre-read this e-mail. As long as his back holds out, he can beat anyone on the trip. Could be the funniest guy on the trip (after Joe). Wants to get Twisted, but is afraid.
2- Kevin Callans
Still stupid enough to fly from Florida every year to join us dumbasses. Struggled for years even though he is a great golfer until he paid for Buck’s Barn to be airlifted to Florida so he could practice. Once this happened, he was money. Legal blind in one eye and is not allowed to drive in a golf cart or a car with Mike Z. because they could end up in Iowa or at Buck’s Barn.
1- Kevin Quinn
Had off season surgery but has kept it on the down low. We will see how his body holds up this year. Has already started to download walk-up songs for everyone. This is a process. I am sick and tired of Quinn playing someone like Ed (sorry Ed) in match play. I want to see some of these better golfers play mono v. mono. Pussies.