Mike Fagan Mexican Rankings 2023
Good evening gentlemen. Cinco de Mayo is in the rear view mirror for me so it is time for the 2023 Mexican Rankings. 21 years of madness and we are trying something new this year..tri-captains!
Mike Z., Paul and JJ vs. Arnold, Vitas and Holmes.
At least I think that’s who the captains are. I am getting old and can’t remember. Lamba, Lamba, Lamba vs. Kirk, Spock and McCoy (you guys figure out who’s who). Here we go:
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20. Mark Smith
Per tradition, Smitty is ranked #20 due to being the 2022 POS. Easiest vote for POS in Ryder Cup history. He broke Vitas’ fucking leg. Enough said. Everyone please keep your legs inside the cart at all times this year. Unfortunately, golf season comes a bit early for Smitty this year (GFY Lockport). However, more time to golf, drink on the porch and prepare physical challenges doesn’t sound so bad.
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19. Mickey Smith / Dave Albert (tie)
I can’t decide between the two of you, so it’s a tie. Both participated in Club Modz which may or may not have helped. Albert bought new clubs but doesn’t have the time to use them. Mickey likes to send out Cinder Ridge deals but doesn’t organize any outings and he travels like a fiend for his job, so his game is no better than last year…or the year before…or the year before. His favorite color is still green and we don’t talk about what happened at Heritage Bluff in April 2023.
​17. Dave Holmes (Tri-captain from Kirk Spock and McCoy)
You knew this was coming my friend. He is the oldest guy on the trip and after the first night at Club Modz (partnered with me but whose counting) I don’t think he won a match. Right now, Holmes is a 3-1 favorite to get injured on the trip. Hopefully, it’s not a broken leg. #BEENTHEREDONETHAT.
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16. Ed Rosetto
Now known as MVP Ed. He was money at Club Modz. Will it translate to Galena 2023? The odds makers say ABSOLUTELY NOT. However, the odds are +250. Before Club Modz, they were +500 so he is moving in the right direction. Ed has Map Quested every hospital within a 50 mile radius “just in case” for this year and will be bringing his splint equipment along with an EPI pen, AED machine, and an IV kit. We ain’t getting any younger boys…
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​15. Joe Tonelli
Joe still has not cut his hair since March 16, 2020 and he is now Facebook friends with that bum on the corner of 55 and 30. Let’s give credit where credit is due. Joe and Peter were awesome last year as captains. However, that’s where the magic ended as Joe is still not on the Galena committee.
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14. Peter Korbar
Let’s give credit where credit is due. Joe and Peter were awesome last year as captains. However, you had the lead for three days last year and then your team shit the bed resulting in Joe vs. Peter IV in 2027. I can’t wait for that. Holmes might be 60 by then. By the way, what happened when Peter, Joe, Albert and Mickey played a few weeks ago? The world did not end, so it must have gone well.
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13. Rich Zizek
Richie coaching his son’s baseball team again this year. What does that mean? Less golf. This is why he’s ranked #13. Might have the sweetest swing on the trip, but when it goes 57 yards over the green, that ain’t good. Kinda like when Mickey booms one 270 yards but it’s two fairways over or in the fucking trees. Over/under on how many times Mickey says “I just missed that one”. Sorry…this is Richie’s spot, not Mickey’s.
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12. Jamie Bebar
What’s up Beebs? Has anyone seen Jamie lately? He’s always working. No idea if he has played any golf this year. Wild card selection. He’s like a box of chocolates…you never know what you are going to get.
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11. Mike Fagan
Biggest drop in the Mexican rankings. Rumor has it, he has the yips. Not good. Spent $2,000 on new clubs. #OOPS. He is working on a new swing with his new clubs. Right now, he feels great. Yesterday, not so much. A few weeks ago, he threw his clubs in the trash which prompted his lovely wife to say, “Why are your clubs in the trash?”. Shut up woman! Why do you think they are in there? #SHAKINGMYHEAD. He is a wild card this year and his 17-9-4 record is not what it looks like.
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10. Paul Branshaw (Lamba, Lamba, Lamba tri-captain)
Paul hasn’t done much golfing this year. He’s too busy doing taxes (it’s always tax season people) texting us videos from Fox News, watching videos of Joe Biden falling down and planning with his co-captains for the 2023 Ryder Cup. Rumor has it, he had hats made that say “Make Galena Great Again”. No truth to the rumor that America is crossed out on these hats, but it’s probably a tax write off.
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9. Jason Vitas (Tri-captain from Kirk Spock and McCoy)
Vitas is back and better than ever. His leg is at least. Not sure about his golf game, but I am sure he still hits it a TON and then sometimes hits it 5 feet. Vitas could give two shits about being a captain and told Holmes to just tell him how much he owes. He is secretly hoping someone else gets injured this year so he can laugh in their fucking face.
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8 . Jim Fagan a/k/a 3 WOOD
3-WOOD already beat me twice this year and is taking full advantage of my current golf disability. He is still pissed that I decided to throw a fucking ball out of a sand trap yesterday in anger. I took the anger chip by the way. 3-WOOD playing golf at least three times a week and goes to the club once a week. He’s played so much golf, he had to re-grip his 3-Wood. #POWERFADE
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7. JJ- Lamba, Lamba, Lamba tri captain
​JJ- 12-16-2 overall since 2018. WTF? You are better than that. Possible sleeper for MVP this year. By the way, thanks for introducing me to the Bomb Pop Twisted Tea. It’s delicious! JJ playing lots of golf this year. Watch out…
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6. Rick Roehr a/k/a Muzzy/a/ka/ Mugzy k/n/a RAGE
“James’ friend Muzzy sent a guy over to fix my gutter that fell off”. Heard this story 9,000 times over the past month from my Dad. Muzzy 17-13 and is coming on strong the past few years. Also a sleeper MVP candidate.
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5. Mike Z A/K/A THE SCHOFIELD KID LAMBA LAMBA LAMBA TRI-CAPTAIN
THE REASON YOU ARE #5 AND NOT IN THE TOP THREE IS SIMPLE. YOU WERE ON YOUR PHONE TOO MUCH AT CLUB MODZ PLAYING FUCKING WORDS WITH FRIENDS (WHICH BY THE WAY YOU HAVE BEATEN ME LIKE 100 TIMES IN A ROW). GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE. JOE IS GOING TO THROAT PUNCH YOU IF YOU DO THAT IN GALENA AND THEN RUN AND HIDE FROM YOU. MIKE Z. BOUGHT A NEW DRIVER AND HITS THE BALL 300+ YARDS AND UNLIKE MICKEY, MOSTLY STRAIGHT. HOWEVER, YOU DON’T NEED 300 YARD DRIVES AT MOST OF THESE COURSES, SO STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!
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4. Jim "Stinger" Arnold (Tri-captain from Kirk Spock and McCoy)
​Look out for Jim this year. I have seen him golf 4 times already and it’s only June. Usually, the clubs don’t come out of the basement until late July. He is getting swings and he is getting better. Might go undefeated this year. Watch out.
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3. Kevin Callans
​​​SOB still flies in from Florida and spends a week with our dumbasses. We must be doing something right. Just turned 50 and he is cleaning up on the senior tour in Ft. Meyers. 13-13-4 record is going to improve this year and even he is tired of hearing about the Bermuda grass in Florida.
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2. Kevin Quinn
Quinn might be ranked #2, but he’s not playing as much golf as he would like as he has been TJ’s caddy allot this summer. Can you all hear Joe yelling “TJ’s DAD…TJ’s DAD…” right now reading this? I can. Quinn showed some chinks in the armor at Club Modz. Not quite sure if he will hold on to this spot for 2024.
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1. Kevin Modzelewski
In a stunning upset, Modz has climbed the ladder to #1. Let’s face it…he deserves it. 21-9 overall and he sits atop the leaderboard. He has overcome the “urgent care incident”. He has overcome his 3-4 record in 2021. Club Modz was a great idea and was really fun and for those of us who participated, we appreciated it. Maybe next year, 3-Wood can use your bidet and all will be right with the world.
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There you have it boys…the 2023 Mexican rankings. Stay well, play some golf, and let’s have a week of fun as always!