Mike Fagan Mexican Rankings 2019
20. Kevin Modzelewski
2018 captain and 2018 POS. Rumor has it, due to last year's reaction to being named POS, the following things have transpired in Freeport:
1. Rt. 26 bar and grill has closed permanently.
2. All quick care facilities within a 25 mile radius will be closed while we are in town.
3. Freeport has banned vaping.
Kevin has assured me that 10 months of counseling have him at a point in his life where we can show his face again. Wants to be the first ever to go from POS to MVP. Good luck…
19. Ed Rossetto
2017 POS and has moved up one spot from last year thanks to Modz. His firefighter management role has not improved his golf game. He still sucks at golf. Sorry Ed. Just remember though…if any of you fat asses go into cardiac arrest or suffer from alcohol poisoning, Ed is the only one that can save you so be nice to him. Strengths- Firefighter, paramedic, and good at cards. Weaknesses- Hasn't recovered from the 7 Twisted Teas from last year, loves food which gives him indigestion on the trip, rooming with Mike Z.
18. Mickey Smith (2019 Co-Captain)
His new job has him with the most frequent flyer miles on the trip which also means he doesn't have time to golf because he's a VIP. Let's be honest…if he did have more time to practice golf, it probably wouldn't matter because he sucks at golf. Strengths- Match play against Vitas, wrestling skills, and claims to be the best Euchre player EVER. Weaknesses- All aspects of golf which kinda sucks because this is a golf trip.
17. Dave Albert
Last year, he has co-ranked #19 with Mickey. Somehow, Mickey is ranked ahead of him, which is hard for Albert to grasp. Strengths- Undefeated in physical challenges that involve eating and can drive the ball really far. Weaknesses- Like Mickey, golf in general is his weakness and he talks a lot. I am envisioning a 4-some of Mickey, Albert, Modz and Muzzy and I am laughing really hard.
16. Jason Vitas
V-BOMB is the early favorite in the clubhouse for the MVP award as he was questionable for the trip but has made his deposit. We are grateful that we don't need to ask AB, Anthony, or Trendel who only cared about video poker machines. Strengths- SWAT TEAM and his laughing fit videotaping Albert trying to tee up the ball last year after drinking 9,000 Twisted Teas. Weaknesses- Mickey and other stupid people on this trip. If you are not sure if you are in this category, then you are in this category.
15. Dave Holmes
I believe Holmes is the oldest 50 year old (I know there are others) on the trip since Wayne King (bitch). Strengths- Driving the ball and organization skills. Weakness- Chipping and putting which is why he is ranked #15. However, he is in charge of all physical challenges this year, so I plan on being nice to him starting now…
14. Joe Tonelli
Looks great and lost like 50 pounds but he is bordering on looking emaciated from his weight loss. This could help his endurance, but power could suffer. He does not eat anymore. All is does is drink. He is not happy that the drunken scramble has been cancelled but deep down he understands as some people almost died last year. Strengths- Drinking, is a gamer, and he really likes Muzzy. Weaknesses- Modz, Paul, and he is really, really loud.
13. Paul Branshaw
Paul has not golfed yet this year as the 2020 election is right around the corner. Paul did not acquire skin cancer on the top of his head from wearing a mesh hat last year and has bought a bunch of hats that cover his entire head and he wrote all the hats off as a business expense. Strengths- Taxes, Republicans, and beating Modz in golf. Weaknesses- Democrats, the color blue, and income tax extensions.
12. Mike Z.
Like Joe Tonelli, he has lost weight and is looking good. Still can't see shit and is now the blindest person on the trip as Callans has rectified his vision problems (spoiler alert). Strengths- Coconut pie at Park Hills, nickname is "I AM GROOT", and overall nice guy. Weaknesses- Using a driver, lining up a putt, and overall vision. He's really blind as a bat and if he loses his glasses, his ranking drops to #20.
11. Peter Korbar
2018 MVP. Rumor has it, he is secretly training and wants to be the only back to back MVP. Has been consistently good for the past two years. However, he hasn't played golf yet, has a sore elbow, but an Asian woman rubbed some cream on it and it feels better. Is also a good card player, but pretends like he doesn't know how to play and if you sit next to him during poker, he will likely ask you about the rules. Don't fall for his bullshit. Strengths- 2018 MVP, overall good looks, and a joyful person. Weaknesses- He works with Joe, can easily be lured into a drinking contest, and is easily distracted by good looking women.
10. Jim Fagan (2019 Co-Captain)
Ever since being named a co-captain, he has dedicated his life to kicking Mickey's dick in the dirt. If his team loses to Team Smith, life-long counseling will be needed. Probably has more golf in already except for Callans. I knew I should have been an underwriter. Strengths- 3-Wood, ruthless aggression, and desire to beat Mickey. Weaknesses- Driver, chugging beer, and a desire to beat Mickey.
9. Jamie Bebar
So much for me and Bebar being unbeatable together as we got our asses kicked by JJ and Vitas last year in the 2-man best ball. GFY JJ. Strengths- Can get hot and play great golf, gamer, good card player. Weaknesses- Can get cold and suck at golf, doesn't matter if he is a gamer if he sucks at golf, can get rivered by Callans in cards and Callans can give two shits about cards.
8. Mike Fagan (2019 Co-Captain)
My main goals this year are to make sure that:
A. There is no mutiny like the last time I was a captain.
B. Ensure that Mickey and Jimmy 3-Wood do not kill each other.
C. Avoid POS at all costs because I don't know how I will react if I get that award (see Joe's and Modz' reaction in the past)
Strengths- Highly intelligent, token minority on the trip, and loves golf and cards. Weaknesses- Fat ass, has only golfed twice this year, Monster energy drinks, and Twisted Tea.
7. Rick Rohr
Muzzy still smiling about his 2018 victory and because he is a nice guy, he actually attended some of Modz' therapy sessions. However, when Modz started talking too much, he quietly left. Strengths- Quiet leader, good golfer, and expert business owner. Weaknesses- Joe liking him so much, talks too much (like Modz) when he drinks too much, and when insurance companies won't pay for hail damage.
6. James Galligan- AKA JJ.
JJ excited that Vitas is coming because he does not want to share the honeymoon suite with anyone other than Vitas. JJ also upset that there will be no more drunken scramble involving multiple Twisted Teas. However, rumor has it, he will be bringing the bag of Twisted Tea so we can all slap the bag. Strengths- Golf, Twisted Tea, and gambling. Weaknesses- Looks like Carl Edwards, Jr., parties with Richie, Joe, and Peter on Wednesday, and his beard makes him look older than he actually is.
5. Rich Zizek
Saw him a few weeks ago. He looks tired and his kids are very active. Limited rounds could impact his play and his #5 ranking may be too high. Strengths- Video montage, has a different pair of shoes for each round, and has the potential to play well. Weaknesses- Has a temper, parties with Joe, Peter, and JJ on Wednesday, and can't drink like he used to.
4. Mark Smith (2019 Co-Captain)
Smitty will likely have less time to golf this year due to winning yet another regional title. Go Celtics! Rumor has it, Smitty is nervous as he has never been a captain before. No worries…Mickey will help you…NOT. Strengths- Consistent golfer, veteran leadership, and likes chocolate milk. Weaknesses- Spiders, could get the "yipes" at any time, susceptible to explosive diarrhea.
3. Jim Arnold
Perhaps the most consistent golfer on this trip and perhaps the only guy on the trip that everyone likes. Just an all-around good guy and golfer. His back is okay, but he's still nervous. He just pre-golfed The Freeport Country Club for this year (and next year). You want Jim on your team. Strengths- Being Jim Arnold. Weaknesses- None.
2. Kevin Quinn
He has been working on walk-up songs since last year and has three for each person just in case. Pissed that he is not ranked #1. The only way to fix this is to pit him and Callans one on one in match play. That would be awesome. Strengths- Golf, walk-up songs, and alcoholic beverages that are not Twisted Tea. Weaknesses- Kevin Callans, Twisted Tea, and Twisted Tea.
1. Kevin Callans
#1 seed and the 2017 MVP. Can no longer hit colored golf balls. Had cataract surgery and now can see 20/20. Please talk to Mike Z. about this. Strengths- Golf, cataract surgery, and white golf balls. Weaknesses- Colored golf balls, poker, and the central time zone.
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