Mike Fagan Mexican Rankings 2018
20. Ed Rosetto
2017 POS and deserving of #20. His draft last year made the Cleveland Browns look like Steven Hawking. However, don't sleep on Ed this year. Now, he's in "management". What does management do in the summer??? GOLF. LOTS OF GOLF. Ed and his old man approach could lead Muzzy or Modz to victory this year.
19. (tie) Mickey Smith and Dave Albert
Rumor has it, instead of practicing his golf game, Mickey got a new job and has no time to golf as he is flying all over the country selling copy machines. So, Mickey still sucks at golf, but he does have more money to buy golf clothes (all green please) because according to Billy Crystal on SNL…"IT IS BETTER TO LOOK GOOD THAN TO FEEL GOOD MY FRIENDS". Rumor has it, instead of practicing his golf game, Dave Albert goes over to his friend's houses and is unable to convince his friend's wife that it's a bad idea to tear down a deck….just stain the damn thing. As long as Albert doesn't smash his thumb with a hammer this summer and as long as Mickey doesn't get injured fixing copying machines, they will both be back at Galena and will continue to suck at golf…BAD. You might want to dub them 19 (a) Albert and 19 (b) Mickey as Albert is undefeated in physical challenges that involve eating. Winning a physical challenge could lead Muzzy and/or Modz to victory. You never know.
17. Jason Vitas
V-BOMB is the early favorite in the clubhouse for the POS award. He was the last to pay and, rumor has it, is to blame for Providence sucking this year. This is at least what I have heard. Vitas pissed at me because in order to pay for Galena, he had to open up a checking account because he does everything online now. Can still drive the ball a TON but basically sucks after the tee box. He is still in counseling after losing to Mickey in match play a few years ago which earned him his first POS award. He actually has recovered from losing as a captain and going 0-5 in his matches which led him to his second POS award. However, he's a nice guy and you probably want him on your team if this is a popularity contest.
16. Dave Holmes
Holmes is pissed right now because he's grumpy and is the old man on the trip. Next year, I think he's going to be 50. WOW. Can still hit the shit out of the ball but he can't putt unless it's that stupid Dallas Cowboy ball. If it wasn't so hot out, he would wear the same pair of jeans golfing and is actually considering wearing jorts this year because that's how they roll in Chantucky. Also has a new job and hasn't told his new boss yet that he's taking this week off, so we need to be ready with potential replacements for Holmes due to his new job and advanced age.
15. Joe Tonelli
Hasn't picked up a club since last year. However, he has drank 9,126 beers since August 2017 which is the leader in the clubhouse. Asked his wife to change the name of the dog to "Let's get Twisted bitch" but Jen did not think that was a good idea. The statute of limitations will pass in early August for us to return to that restaurant where Joe kept yelling "GO FUCK YOURSELF" at the top of his lungs. They had good fish there and Trendel (#21 on this list) loved the video poker. As far as golf goes, Joe will step up his game if he is golfing with people he likes (like Muzzy or JJ) but will fold like a cheap suit if he is golfing with people he doesn't like (which is basically the rest of us, especially Modz and Paul).
14. Paul Branshaw
Also probably hasn't picked up a club because it's only a few months post tax season and lots of his clients filed for extensions. Also, the mid-term elections are rapidly approaching and Paul has been busy passing out shirts and hats that read- #MAGA or #FAKENEWS. Rumor has it (yes…I say this a lot because it is funny) he has a new driver and wrote it off as a business expense. No scouting report is known as to whether or not Paul has actually used this driver, but the over/under on him responding to the 2018 scouting report is 26 minutes and I am taking the under. Despite his low ranking, Paul is not bad at golf. He doesn't make a lot of mistakes and like Joe, he plays better if he is with Smitty or Arnold. If you put Paul in a 4 some with Vitas, Tonelli, and Holmes, he might not come back next year.
13. MIKE Z
BLIND AS A BAT AND WE HAVE ANOTHER GUY ON THE TRIP WHO IS LEGALLY BLIND IN ONE EYE. HITS A 3-IRON FARTHER THAN ANYONE I HAVE EVER SEEN. SAME GOES FOR MIKE Z, BECAUSE HE CAN'T SEE WHERE THE FUCK HIS BALL GOES WHEN HE HITS IT. YOU BETTER HAVE SOMEONE IN HIS 4-SOME THAT HAS 20/20 VISION. MAY WANT TO CHALLENGE ALBERT TO AN PHYSICAL CHALLENGE EATING CONTEST THIS YEAR BECAUSE I SAW HIM EAT A WHOLE PECAN PIE IN ONE SITTING ONCE…THAT WAS AWESOME. RUMOR HAS IT, HE HAS NOT UNPACKED HIS CLOTHES BACK FROM LAST YEAR'S TRIP AND DOES NOT PLAN ON DOING SO.
12. Peter Korbar
Rumor has it, Peter was the runner up for MVP last year. In his words, "I gave it all I had". Peter is mellowing in his old age and actually likes golfing more than drinking and getting drunk…APRIL FOOL'S! Muzzy and Modz should not overdraft Peter. There is a good chance he will take all his clothes off this year because he didn't get crazy enough last year and watched Modz (now a captain) piss into the cup on hole 16 at Park Hills. Look for Peter to suck ass in golf this year, but despite his shortcomings, he will have a good time.
11. Jim Fagan
GOLF GOLF GOLF GOLF GOLF. I guarantee everyone that Jim Fagan will have the most rounds in when we go on this SACRED TRIP. He might have 30-40 rounds by August. He kicked ass this year in the angry scramble and he actually bought himself a new set of irons so he does not have to use his 3-wood from 135 yards. Texted me a picture of his new clubs and the text said, "PREPARE FOR DEATH". If he is on the opposite team of Mickey Smith, he is DEMANDING that he plays match play against Mickey so he can "KICK HIS DICK IN THE DIRT". He also thinks he might be able to beat me one on one. If he does, I'll ask Mickey's friend Anthony (I shoot 90) to take my spot in 2019 because I could not stand the pain.
10. Jamie Bebar
I purposely ranked Bebar #10 and below me just to piss him off. What's up Beebs??? Solid player and is capable of shooting in the high 70's. Also most likely (along with Branshaw) to suffer heat stroke if the temperature reaches 90 degrees of more this year. If Bebar and I are on the same team, NO ONE CAN BEAT US. If we are on opposite teams, we'll likely play against each other all weekend.
9. Mike Fagan
Thanks to everyone for inviting me on this trip. Your inclusive nature for people like me is what makes this country so great. #MAGA. No truth to the rumor that Fagan suffered from symptoms of diabetes after drinking way too may TWISTED TEES last year. Bad news is that I thought I had diabetes. Good news is that I don't, but it cost me $600 on a Tuesday night at the St. Joe's ER. DO NOT GO THERE UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY DYING. THE PLACE IS A SHIT HOLE AND A BORDERLINE HOMELESS SHELTER. I am still pissed that Callans SWAT TEAMED me on hole 17 at Park Hills so I couldn't see my almost hole in one. If Callans and I are on opposite teams this year, I want a shot at the title…mono v. mono.
8. Rick Rohr (2018 Captain)
Rumor has it, he wants to be called Rick Rohr this year. Not Muzzy, not Muggys, and not Rick. It's Rick Rohr. Luckily, the roofing business has been good this year because Rick Rohr sent me his $100 twice. This also bodes well for the shirts he will buy his team. Anything would be better than Mike Z's prisoner shirts from a few years ago. Rick's draft will go fast because he's a man of few words…unfortunately this will be evened out by Modz who NEVER (AND I MEAN NEVER) STOPS TALKING. Great physical challenge this year…MODZ v. Mickey. Give them a topic and let them both start talking. Whoever stops first loses…we better do this challenge at Holmes' outing on Tuesday.
7. James Galligan
No…not Jim Gaffigan, the comedian. James Galligan. Like Rick Rohr, he wants to be called James this year. LOL. James breaks the top 7 this year. Solid golfer and looks like Carl Edwards, Jr. Could shoot in the 70's, but he likes to get twisted a lot. Which fucked up (yet cool) pants will James bring this year? Will he and Vitas get the honeymoon suite?
6. Rich Zizek
Richie has moved up the rankings solely due to his video montage last year. That was awesome. You set the bar high Richie. Richie is a top tier golfer (just ask Albert) but he can be beaten. Possibly the best dressed golfer on the trip and has like 6 different pairs of shoes. Richie is still pissed he and I are not roommates anymore. Sorry Richie…
5. Mark Smith
Mark just told me that if Muzzy is going by Rick Rohr and JJ is going by James, then damn it, everyone must call him Mark. Mark will have more time to golf this year due to the early departure from the IHSA playoffs. Thanks a lot Vitas. Mark has recovered from the 'YIPES" he had in 2016. That was almost as bad when Mark has the shits at Buck's Barn.
4. Jim Arnold
Perhaps the most consistent golfer on this trip and perhaps the only guy on the trip that everyone likes. Just an all-around good guy and golfer. His back is okay, but he's still nervous. He just pre-golfed The Freeport Country Club for this year (and next year). You want Jim on your team.
3. Kevin Modzelewski (2018 Captain)
He is so happy to be ranked #3, he is going to home and tell his wife, kids, neighbor, priest, bum on the street…anyone who will listen! Excellent golfer, but will he be a good captain. Survey says…..NO.
2. Kevin Quinn
Rumor has it, Quinn has been on the DL this year and has not done a lot of golfing. Good news…he has been working on walk-up songs since last year and has three for each person just in case.
1. Kevin Callans
#1 seed and the 2017 MVP. Can no longer hit white golf balls. Don't worry Kevin….I have a shit ton of pink, purple, and yellow balls for you my friend. Callans will have the second most rounds in behind Jimmy 3-wood, but he does live in Florida. Can you guys believe that he flies in every year to spend a week or so with us???